Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Much has been written on why today’s kids are so messed up but most of it never gets to the heart of the matter. Raising healthy children in today's complex world, or indeed in any era, requires a thoughtful and balanced approach. This approach must combine structure, nurture, and spiritual awareness.
Central to this balanced approach is the understanding that a child's development of self-worth, or self-definition, is deeply connected to their innate sense of the divine. As children grow in self-awareness and self-definition, they are more likely to cultivate a deeper understanding of their place in the world and a sense of connection to something greater than themselves.
Children thrive when they receive love, affection, warmth, and respect from their parents. This emotional nurturing forms the foundation of a child's self-worth and shapes their perception of their value in the world. However, love alone is not enough—children also need clear rules, defined limits, and consistent discipline to develop a sense of security and self-control.
The imposed structure of discipline and accountability provided by parents plays a crucial role in a child's development, not only in terms of behavior but also in shaping their worldview. This structure, when implemented consistently, cannot only produce healthy children but can also nurture a child's innate sense of the divine, also referred to as the sensus divinitatis.
The sensus divinitatis, a concept introduced by theologian John Calvin, refers to the innate knowledge and awareness of God that all human beings possess. However, this "sense of divinity" is not a fully formed theological understanding, but rather an intuitive recognition of the divine orchestration and purpose in life.
When parents provide a consistent, loving structure for their children, they are also reinforcing this innate sense. The very existence of rules, expectations, and consequences in a family setting can lead a child to feel that there must be a grand scheme to the universe as well. Otherwise, why would an imposed structure exist at all; and why would conformity to this structure be so important? Just as there are rules in their home that provide order and meaning, children can come to understand that there must be an overarching order to existence itself.
This connection between family structure and cosmic order is not explicitly taught (although it can be), but rather implicitly understood. As children grow and develop within a structured environment, they begin to perceive patterns and purpose in the world around them. This perception aligns with and reinforces their innate sense of the divine.
For example, when parents consistently enforce bedtimes, meal schedules, or behavioral expectations, children learn that there is an underlying order to life. This understanding naturally reinforces their innate perception of a divine order and purpose to life. The consistency and predictability provided by loving parents can mirror, in a child's mind, the consistency and reliability of a divine structure and presence.
Parents can also further support this development by encouraging curiosity about the world, fostering a sense of wonder at nature, and being open to discussions about life's big questions. When children ask "Why?" questions about the universe or existence, parents can use these as opportunities to explore purpose and design, even if they don't have all the answers.
Moreover, the love and care provided by parents can serve as a tangible representation of divine love. As children experience both structural conformity and unconditional love from their parents, they can more easily grasp the concept of a loving God. This emotional connection can strengthen their innate sense of the divine and provide a foundation for spiritual growth.
The Problems with Today’s Parenting Models
As noted in another essay in this series titled, American Bloodlust: The Violent Psychological Conditioning of Today’s Young People, “today’s childrearing practices are overly passive and far removed from anything that would produce a healthy outcome. According to modern liberal thinking, past ways of child-rearing should be regarded as outdated, barbaric, and potentially abusive: nothing more than oppressive cultural constructs that need to be eradicated from our thinking. As far as origin is concerned, this shift in parenting philosophy parallels the restraints on behavior that were removed during the sexual revolution. Which also produced many divorces and fatherless homes that worsened the problems created by this new parenting philosophy.
As strange as it may sound, the sexual revolution of the 1960s was viewed as a moral good. Anything considered unnecessarily restrictive was seen as an archaic, psychologically damaging cultural taboo that hindered mankind’s natural evolutionary development. Why should we be mired by ancient religious beliefs, or even outmoded humanistic philosophies, especially when they are so restraining of our natural impulses? Instead, the prevailing idea was that things should be allowed to proceed in their own course of natural development without any imposed structural interference.
This philosophy was similarly applied to childrearing. Children should be free to explore and essentially raise themselves according to whatever comes naturally to them. Structural discipline was perceived as oppressive, counterproductive, and psychologically harmful. James Dobson aptly summarizes this approach, “The advocates of this laissez-faire philosophy would recommend that a child be allowed to fail in school if he chooses—or maintain his bedroom like the proverbial pigpen—or let his puppy go hungry. . .. Children thrive best in an atmosphere of genuine love, undergirded by reasonable, consistent discipline. . .. Permissiveness has not been a failure; it has been a disaster!”’
Despite what you might hear in today’s culture, enforcing reasonable boundaries is not oppressive, but communicates care and concern for a child's growth. When parents are attentive to their children's development and set appropriate expectations, it signals to the child that they are valued and worth investing in. Conversely, overly permissive parenting can leave children feeling insecure and dependent, wondering why their parents don't care enough to get involved.
Discipline and accountability, including spanking when necessary for open defiance, should be applied consistently and rationally. The goal is not necessarily punishment (although this is not excluded) but rather helping children understand the consequences of their actions and develop self-control. By providing this necessary structure, parents give children a framework for understanding social norms, expectations, and how to navigate the world successfully. In other words, an achievable reality.
Young adults who were raised in such an environment begin to develop themselves at an early age. By the time they are ready to leave the nest, they are not only equipped with a healthy inner constitution but are ready to apprehend a meaningful and fulfilling life. Goals appear attainable. They possess self-confidence, ambition, and motivation. This also explains why first-borns are almost always more content and successful in life (however defined) and have a much higher self-esteem than their siblings. Parents are simply more demanding and attentive to their development. Research has shown that parents tend to become more passive after every child thereafter. It’s not by coincidence that nearly all NASA astronauts are first-borns.
Once more, they also have the implied understanding that life itself must have objective meaning and purpose because of this imposed structure. In the mind of a child, even if the particulars are never set forth, there must be a grand scheme of things.
Of course, the traditional family structure, with both mother and father present and invested, provides the optimal environment for child development. Each parent offers unique and essential contributions to a child's growth. The breakdown of the family unit through divorce or absent fathers has been linked to a host of negative outcomes for children, including behavioral issues, academic struggles, and increased risk of substance abuse and criminal behavior.
For families that don't fit the traditional mold, the focus should be on ensuring children receive the love, structure, and diverse role modeling needed for healthy development. Instilling values and a sense of purpose is another crucial aspect of raising healthy children. For example, acknowledging the importance of adhering to natural laws of human flourishing, particularly regarding sexuality and family structure. Children should be taught to respect their bodies and form healthy relationships. Parents should have open, age-appropriate conversations about sexuality and relationships to help children develop a proper understanding of these important life areas. In all, parents should provide a moral framework and help children develop a sense of meaning and identity. This gives children an anchor as they navigate the challenges of growing up and helps them resist negative cultural influences (nihilism, moral relativism, existentialism, sexual promiscuity, etc.).
Teaching respect and gratitude is another key element of raising healthy children. By modeling and requiring respectful behavior, parents help children develop positive relationships and navigate social situations successfully. Fostering an attitude of gratitude rather than entitlement helps children appreciate what they have and develop resilience in the face of challenges.
In contrast, when parents adopt a passive approach that lacks structure, discipline, and emotional nurturing, children miss out on these essential foundations for healthy psychological development. This absence can lead to a range of negative outcomes that often persist into adulthood. As noted in American Bloodlust, “As you can imagine, because many of today’s kids are left to raise themselves, they are often left with debilitating self-esteem problems and are ill-equipped to meet the challenges of adult life. They see little possibility for success or happiness and are mostly insecure, anxious, depressed, and needy. They are the kind of kids that sit alone in their rooms or daycare, wondering why their parents are rarely involved in their lives or seem to care about them at all. This melancholic state produces the kind of negligence and indifference that would rather withdraw into self-pity than face life’s challenges. This has much to do with the “perpetual adolescence,” or “failure to launch,” that is presently reported among males between the ages of 25 and 30. With no imposed structure, they remain mostly sad, unmotivated children who never grew up.”
The neglect of passive parenting can also create unfulfilled needs of human intimacy. The lack of affirmation and belonging this carries can create yearnings for same-sex intimacy (especially when accompanied by other types of abuse). This is where today’s increase in same-sex attraction, gender confusion, and identity, stem from. Reported bisexuality, especially among young women (25 and younger) is at an all-time high. Sexual and gender identity for either sex can likewise become elusive within this environment. As noted in this same essay, “. . . through the neglect of today’s parenting model, whether through divorce or intentional practice, young people are now convinced that the only meaning life can offer is that which we impose upon it. This reversed order is why so many of today's cultural battles center on identity. Without this vital structure—which also provides a sense of affirmation and belonging in the formation of gender and sexual identity—young people inevitably conclude that personal identity and meaning in life can only be subjectively determined.”
Here are some of the key effects of passive parenting (and fatherlessness) that I discuss in detail in the American Bloodlust essay:
• Low self-esteem and self-worth in children• Insecurity and self-doubt• Depression and anxiety• Anger and resentment• Feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and lack of purpose• Difficulty facing life's challenges as adults• Tendency toward escapism (e.g. excessive social media consumption)• Hypersensitivity to criticism (safe spaces, political correctness)• Inability to admit faults or show gratitude• Envy and resentment toward others• Sense of entitlement• Disrespectful behavior toward others• Difficulty forming healthy relationships• Increased risk of substance abuse• Higher likelihood of engaging in bullying or aggressive behaviors• Struggles with emotional regulation• Lack of ambition, motivation, and "failure to launch" in young adulthood• Increased risk of mental health issues• Poor social skills and difficulty connecting with others• Vulnerability to developing addictive behaviors• Same-sex attraction, gender confusion, and identity problems
As also pointed out in American Bloodlust, “At this point, some might argue that “helicopter parenting,” or snowplow parenting, might be an effective approach to a better outcome (intensive parenting models). Why not simply be there all the time? But this is far from the case. If you’re unfamiliar with these labels, helicopter parenting refers to controlling, overprotective parents who make all the decisions for their children, giving them no voice. The more recent version, known as snowplow parenting (also called lawn-mowing, or bulldozing) attempts to remove all obstacles from the child’s, or young adult’s path, that might lead to frustration, failure, or lost opportunities (hence, snowplow). The former, helicopter parenting, amounts to little else than a welfare program that destroys all motivation and human dignity. It is dehumanizing and children are left mostly unable to function outside this protective cocoon. When deciding whom to marry, what career path to choose, or even where to live, they are unequipped to make decisions, or overcome obstacles outside the dependent, or interdependent, relationship the parents have created.”
As children grow, parents should gradually prepare them for the responsibilities of adulthood. This means equipping them with practical skills for independence and self-sufficiency while avoiding overprotective helicopter parenting that can stunt emotional and psychological growth. Allowing children to face age-appropriate challenges and learn from failures helps build confidence and problem-solving abilities. As many have noted, these overprotected kids are just as incapable as their neglected counterparts. As strange as it may sound, helicopter parenting, or intensive parenting, should be seen as just another form of passive parenting.
Conclusion
In conclusion, raising healthy children requires a multifaceted approach that combines love, structure, values, and preparation for adulthood. By providing a stable home environment, consistent discipline, and opportunities for growth, parents can support their children's development of self-worth while also fostering their natural inclination to perceive purpose and design in the universe (sensus divinitatis).
As children grow, the sense of purpose and meaning instilled by a structured, loving upbringing can help them navigate the challenges of adolescence and young adulthood. The innate sense of the divine, nurtured throughout childhood, can likewise provide a moral compass and a source of comfort and guidance as they face life's complexities.
Without question, the United States is in the midst of the biggest psychological crisis in its history. One of the lies of the sexual revolution was that “the kids will be fine.” But they are not fine. And this is the primary reason for it. While the challenges of modern parenting are significant, the rewards of raising psychologically healthy, well-adjusted children who contribute positively to society are immeasurable. Aside from the salvation offered by Jesus Christ, proper parenting and healthy children is what this country needs right now more than anything.
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About the Author
Roger Ball is a Reformed Christian writer who lives on the Florida Spacecoast. He writes on Christian theology, apologetics, psychology, and culture. Contact: rogerball121@gmail.com
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