DISCLAIMER
The author and publisher shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any loss, injury, damage, or hardship caused, or alleged to be caused, directly or indirectly, by the information contained in this book. In addition, the publisher and the author do not make any guarantee or promise as to the results that may be obtained from the recommendations within this book. By securing this material you agree to be bound by this disclaimer without modification.
Introduction
About thirty years ago, I worked for a Christian man who opened his home to local welfare authorities as a foster parent. He took in boys between thirteen to nineteen sometimes caring for as many as five or six at a time. His home had been converted into a makeshift rooming house, so plenty of rooms were available. As you can imagine, the boys he took in were some of the most abused and neglected you could imagine. Some were runaways, while others had been removed from their homes by court order. One boy was living under his family’s mobile home at the age of twelve. He wasn’t allowed to come inside. These boys had problems, to say the least. With few exceptions, one of those problems was same-sex attraction. They were not, however, exclusively homosexual. Most of them also liked girls and even had girlfriends; nevertheless, a number of these boys had been caught in bed together while in the foster home. I was even told of one boy who would persistently ask the others if he could perform oral sex on them.
The idea that these attractions were genetically determined never crossed anyone’s mind. These boys were obviously hurting very deeply. You could see it in their attitudes, behavior, and faces. Their inner lives were dominated by fear, anger, alienation, and unmet needs. The desire to meet these needs, and alleviate this fear and anxiety, would inevitably become confused with sexual eroticism. Through various sexual encounters, they sought the sense of belonging and affirmation their abusive or neglectful parents had failed to provide. My boss informed me this was common among the boys he had fostered over the years. While exposure to a loving and godly foster parent over several years improved their lives somewhat, I’m sad to say there wasn't a happy ending for most of them. Most still struggle with debilitating insecurities and self-esteem problems. The ones I came to know have been in and out of jail (or prison) for the past three decades and are mostly unable, or unwilling, to hold steady employment. Their relationships consist mostly of drifting from one girlfriend to the next (similar to relationship addiction). Only one ever married.
In this book, my goal is to explain how same-sex attraction develops and, contrary to common belief, show that it’s very possible to overcome these desires. I acknowledge, however, that this book may not be for everyone. Some do not view their attractions as unwanted and do not seek to eliminate them. Many believe their attractions are perfectly natural and that overcoming them is impossible. Nevertheless, for those who want to curb or eliminate these unwanted desires, please know this is not merely wishful thinking. Regardless of what you may have heard or convinced yourself, it is very possible. There are plenty of testimonies to support this. The most recent and effective treatment available today that can accomplish this is known as Reintegrative Therapy®. This therapy is highly effective and utilizes evidence-based treatment interventions. Unlike conversion therapy, it does not employ aversion techniques that are ineffectual and even harmful (shame, pain, or coercion), nor does it concentrate on changing sexual desire. Instead, it focuses on resolving underlying trauma and addictions. Whether you identify as bisexual, exclusively homosexual, or experience fleeting desires, it's possible to join the ranks of those who have successfully diminished or overcome these unwanted attractions and are now pursuing happier lives.
In the first chapter, I lay out the common, stereotypical account of how same-sex attraction develops, nearly always linked to an emotionally or physically abusive upbringing, including chronic neglect (all trauma-related). I then explore the claims made by some individuals who assert they didn't grow up in an abusive environment but still experience these attractions. I believe this is a misguided claim by those who simply fail to recognize the subtle invalidating abuse they were exposed to. Such abuse can be well-hidden, but can still produce the same results. This can include anything from intrusive, overbearing parenting (intensive parenting), to the purposed neglect of today’s new passive parenting model. Of course, this would also include the breakdown of the traditional family structure that produces this same neglect. The current divorce rate is forty to fifty percent which has a lot to do with why the United States is now in a crisis of self-destruction.
Finally, I want to explore the therapeutic practices that can reduce or eliminate same-sex attraction over time. It's important to note that while I primarily reference and explain the development of male same-sex attraction, the same types of abuse and “principles of invalidation” apply to females as well (attachment loss). I should also disclose that I am not a homosexual and do not experience these attractions. Some may believe this disqualifies me from writing such a book. However, as we will see, these desires and their origins aren't that difficult to understand. Although overcoming same-sex attraction may take time, and the manifestations are numerous and varied, there is no reason to turn this abnormality into something more complicated than it is. Same-sex attraction operates from a few basic principles that anyone can learn. The same can be said of its remedy. Many have even overcome these attractions without the aid of a therapist. This, too, is a realistic possibility, especially if you're a Christian and have the Holy Spirit working in your life.
Chapter 1Homosexual Development and the Subtlety of Abuse
Notwithstanding the lack of evidence, many practicing homosexuals still insist that same-sex attraction is neither sinful nor aberrant, but genetic. This assertion, however, is based more on wishful thinking or self-deception than any conclusive evidence. In reality, there is no more scientific evidence, to include recent attempts to assign multiple genetic markers, linking same-sex attraction to genetics than there is for pedophilia, necrophilia, or zoophilia. Similar to these other forms of sexual abnormality, same-sex attraction has been found to develop within specific home environments.
In regards to male homosexuality, which often involves problems with both parents, the overwhelming majority of studies have shown that the common factor in the development of male same-sex attraction is the absence of any meaningful bond with the father. Men who experience same-sex attractions usually report an absent, emotionally distant, self-absorbed, or even abusive father during their formative years. Such abuse usually involves harsh criticism, rejection, invalidation, ridicule, or physical abuse, which can result in the child distancing himself from the father and spending more time with the mother. Over time, the child may develop traits and mannerisms similar to the mother, particularly if she is domineering, overprotective, or possessive. There have also been reports of same-sex attraction emerging when a mother is rejecting of her son due to feelings of rivalry or threat because he is male. This rejection can involve persistent invalidation, criticism, fault-finding, defensiveness, or scolding. This can contribute significantly to same-sex attraction when accompanied by the absence of a strong father-son bond.
Whatever the scenario, the child is reared in an invalidating and non-supportive environment, where one or both parents are working against them. Instead of being celebrated, their arrival in the world is met with dishonor, disrespect, and alienation, leaving them feeling unloved, unaccepted, and undesirable. This environment can also arise from insecure parents, particularly fathers, who struggle to express love to their children in a healthy or appropriate way. They may resort to what they believe is expected of them, resulting in a relationship characterized by constant correction, harsh discipline, and not much else.
This reminds me of two boys in foster care I spoke of earlier. They were brothers who had to be removed from their home by court order. They once told me their father was a Baptist preacher who would bring them forward during the services and publicly paddle them in front of the entire congregation. Believe it or not, this was to demonstrate proper parenting. The eldest son, who endured the most abuse and humiliation (as firstborns often do), struggled with bisexuality throughout his life, regularly drowned himself in drugs and alcohol, and had an extensive criminal record that included the possibly nonaccidental shooting death of his girlfriend.
Of course, these scenarios all follow a specific formulaic pattern. Overt abuse is almost always reported among males with same-sex attraction. This is the most effective way to create these desires. The same can also be said of cases that involve sexual abuse, such as incest and rape, which are also highly reported within the homosexual community. Undoubtedly, these experiences at an early age can create profound feelings of betrayal, alienation, and abandonment, making them some of the most horrifying acts of betrayal and trust violation any child could endure.
As mentioned earlier, there are more subtle ways that lead to similar outcomes without the explicit and overt forms of abuse that are usually reported. We will explore these subtler dynamics in the upcoming sections.
Same-Sex Desire
Again, case studies clearly stress the critical role of the father-son bond in shaping male identity. Those who do not properly form this bond never receive the essential love, affirmation, and acceptance needed for their psychological development. It is estimated that eighty-five percent of a person’s adult personality has already been formed by age six. From the moment we enter the world, we all share an inborn emotional need to belong, feel loved, and be accepted (celebrated). This directly effects our male or female identities. Much of this emotional/psychological need is met by the father (or mother, in the case of females). When these needs remain unmet, it can scar a person for the rest of their lives. Abused and neglected children often struggle with a pervasive sense of not fitting into the world, plagued by deep-rooted feelings of rejection, alienation, and guilt, as if they were unwanted outsiders in search of someplace to belong. As the longing to satisfy these unmet needs and alleviate the associated fear and anxiety from abuse becomes confused with sexual eroticism, natural affections are redirected and misplaced. This short-circuiting is why many become convinced these attractions are perfectly normal, even God-given. However, it's crucial to recognize that these feelings, while genuine in themselves, are distorted and not healthy. At the center of these insatiable desires is a hurting and deprived inner child who is still waiting to be loved, accepted, and affirmed into this world. This strikes at the very core of a person's humanity. For those subjected to severe abuse and deprivation, they will inevitably begin to form a personal identity rooted in these impulses. This inner hunger becomes so dominant and defining they begin to disregard what anyone thinks about their sexual preference or the potential harm they may be inflicting upon themselves or others. This is also the reason why many have no desire to seek healing. Similar to those who struggle with alcohol or drug addiction, the unrelenting emotional distress becomes overwhelming. Through various sexual encounters, they temporarily find relief from feelings of fear, emptiness, and rejection, making it the only effective means to alleviate the inner turmoil. Merciless shame becomes an accepted reality of their lives.
Other Aberrant Motivations
If you were to ask those experiencing same-sex attractions about the qualities they find attractive in members of the same sex, they would quickly provide you with a list of attributes they desire for themselves. This could mean physical appearance, self-confidence, specific abilities, character traits, or intelligence. Even if they already possess these qualities, they will still desire them nonetheless, and crave the attention of others who have them, even developing obsessions. It’s all about affirmation and a sense of belonging. This is also thought to contribute to a preference for oral sex over other forms of sexual gratification. It is the most satisfying means of drawing to themselves what they long for. Additionally, alternative forms of sexual gratification, like sadomasochism, can serve to alleviate any associated desires for self-punishment. Many will willingly submit to some of the most humiliating behavior imaginable to alleviate feelings of false guilt. It is a sad reality that most abused and/or neglected people believe they must have been guilty of something to be treated so contemptuously by their parents or others. They believe they probably deserved much of it—or at least some of it. So they resubmit themselves to the abuse to relieve feelings of self-loathing and false guilt. One person I spoke with said, “I always felt as if I had done something wrong just by existing.” As might be expected, these sadomasochistic tendencies are often yielded to as they alternate with their partners between dominant and submissive roles. This purposed focus on the abusive tension of their upbringing provides a more gratifying sexual release. As strange as it sounds, this is another reason many do not desire healing. They believe homosexual sex, whether undertaken in the fervency of anxiety relief and unmet needs, or sadomasochism, to be superior to heterosexual sex. It is considered a better sexual product. Unfortunately, these sexual encounters, in whatever form, do not serve to cure the homosexual; they only provide temporary relief, and eventually not even that (law of diminishing returns). This is also one of the reasons that some homosexuals report hundreds of partners. Moreover, due to their abusive upbringing, they are also very fearful and distrusting of men in general (paranoia). With rare exceptions, this same-sex ambivalence has much to do with the characteristic unfaithfulness that is found in their relationships: most complain of endless problems or head games, along with other forms of emotional/psychological abuse—real or imagined. All told, through the perpetual distrust in their relationships, coupled with self-loathing and false guilt (not to mention the ostracism of society), what they believe will provide fulfillment and satisfy their deepest needs only ends up serving to further alienate them. With nowhere to turn, this can lead to more and more sexual encounters with even more aberrant behavior. With this ever-increasing emotional necessity, drug and alcohol abuse soon ensue—and even suicide for many. In the end, partnering with members of the same sex never actually solves anything. These encounters simply will not and cannot address the underlying problems in a healing way. Again, this false remedy only ends up reinforcing the negative perceptions they already have about themselves; namely, they are unwanted and undesirable outcasts who don’t belong anywhere. This hopeless insanity is why we don’t do people favors by handing them over to their aberrant compensating devices. This is not the most compassionate and loving thing to do. This is what the woke community needs to wake up to.
The Controlling Invalidator and the Subtlety of Abuse
As mentioned earlier, there are those with same-sex attraction who claim they never experienced an abusive upbringing yet still struggle with these attractions. Given the overwhelming reports of abuse from nearly all homosexuals, a common assumption is that these people are either deceiving themselves, spreading misinformation to advance the gay agenda, or merely protecting the imperfect parents whom they love. While any of these explanations could be true, there are other reasons to consider. It’s possible they are telling the truth and simply do not recognize the subtle forms of abuse they endured. After all, none of us came equipped with a comparative measuring rod that would directly inform us that our parents were lousy caregivers. Unless the abuse was blatantly obvious, many could easily be convinced their upbringing was fairly normal with relatively no abuse. This convincing misperception could easily be accomplished by the psychological mechanisms of those with various control disorders, such as narcissists, or those with codependency, or what Jay Carter termed the 'controlling invalidator.'
The term 'controlling invalidator,' popularized by Jay Carter in his book Nasty People, sheds light on one of society's most psychologically destructive forces. By far, these people are some of the most offensive personality types anyone could come in contact with. The mechanisms employed by the worst of these people are overtly nasty and obviously abusive, however, other tactics are very subtle and not so easy to recognize—especially by young children and teens. The more blatantly obvious variety of these controlling invalidators employ incessant criticisms, insults, and subtle forms of slander (e.g., half-truths, unwarranted sarcasm, silent treatment, scornful advice, belligerence, etc.), to belittle others and diminish their character. They seek to devalue, discredit, and malign those around them to their advantage. They often exude self-importance, arrogance, and presumption, instinctively talking down to others as if they were children. They may try to criminalize you, portray you as a bumbling incompetent, or constantly seek opportunities to undermine your character. Likewise, the invalidator is never really for or with anybody, but almost always, even sadistically, working against them. They are never on your side. These constant invalidations not only compensate for insecurities and self-esteem problems but also allow them to control the actions of others. Through these various mechanisms, the controlling invalidator will inevitably have everyone around them on the defensive, forever trying to recover their good name. These unsuspecting victims will unavoidably find themselves walking on eggshells, making sure not to do or say anything that might make the invalidator unhappy. In other words, everyone is sufficiently controlled. Everyone is doing everything they can to appease this unappeasable person. Exposure to this personality type is a major cause and contributor to many of the psychological problems of society. Long exposure, especially at an early age, can literally destroy a person’s capacity for happiness for the rest of their lives. In effect, the insecurities, false guilt, and paranoia that usually accompany this can lead to a lifetime of self-punishment, self-sabotage, uncontrollable anxiety, same-sex attraction, social detachment, and substance abuse. As well, many have little or no discernible sense of humor, inward peace, or contentment in their lives whatsoever. Needless to say, happier people have been found to come from homes and societies that display a minimum of this highly destructive behavior. In all, it has been estimated that only about one percent of society uses this type of behavior to intentionally manipulate and control others. These people are fully aware of what they are doing and why they are doing it. The rest, which are many (est. 20–30%), use invalidation as a psychological defense mechanism. They are usually only semi-consciously aware of their undermining and disrespectful behavior. As might be expected, those who invalidate others have at one time been the victim of invalidation themselves, usually by their parents. They are both perpetrators and walking victims of this repulsive behavior. As one psychologist put it: “This is how adults cry.” To invalidate others is simply something they have acquired from their past abusers to alleviate the fear and anxiety they now experience in a world they are very insecure in. They most often will use the same mechanisms that were once used against them to elevate themselves over others, making everyone more manageable and less threatening. It is also challenging to avoid becoming one of these people yourself simply by being around them. It is a natural human instinct to recover lost dignity (justice) or exact vengeance. What is sad, is that due to its fear-driven nature, many of these people will actually start believing the slanderous invalidations they direct at others. They often appear to live in an alternate reality shaped by the malicious evaluations they make of everyone around them. They effectually blind themselves to the true character and motivations of others by assigning them a contemptible personality (comfortably delusional).
What is particularly remarkable is how confident and self-assured many of these individuals appear, making their slanderous speech more convincing and harder to detect. But regardless of this grandstanding pretense (or narcissistic performance art), these people have serious self-worth issues. This display of self-assurance is nothing more than a compensating form of arrogance. In reality, they live in a fearful and imagined world of unrelenting criticism, perfectionistic requirements, and impending doom. In other words, they are still walking on eggshells.
It is also true that many invalidators tend to find their way into successful corporate positions throughout the business world. Yet, because of these insecurities are some of the most disrespectful people anywhere to work for. The turnover costs associated with these abusive personalities in U.S. companies are astonishing. Other professions where such behavior is prevalent include medical doctors, nurses, police officers, politicians, teachers, librarians, and firefighters—essentially any role that allows them to satiate their controlling needs. In many ways, much of society (if not most of it), is either run by, or heavily influenced by, ill-mannered, disrespectful, and slanderous people.
Other manifestations of this abuse include strong sadomasochistic desires, jealousy (envy), lying, bullying, passive resistance (passive-aggressive [preemptive strikes, encroachment, etc.]), obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and tendencies toward pedophilia and homosexuality. These people are often suspicious of rivalry, disrespect, or even stubbornness in others, particularly when they perceive others as unwilling to comply with their demands. They are also easily threatened and hypersensitive to criticism, often misinterpreting benign comments as derogatory attacks on their character, leading them to retaliate. They cannot tolerate losing even trivial disputes, fighting tooth and nail to protect their fragile egos.
This self-absorbed focus also results in a lack of empathy for others and aligns with characteristics associated with sociopathy and psychopathy. In extreme cases, such individuals are very capable of murder. Serial killers often exhibit significant control issues. Pedophiles who kill their victims to hide their crimes also fall into this category.
Returning to our original concern, as far as the practicing homosexuals who claim to have experienced no abuse during their upbringing, it is likely that the more subtle mechanisms of a controlling invalidator are at play. These same mechanisms in varying degrees can be found within all varieties of control disorder, which can also include those with general self-esteem problems.
For example, invalidators can be highly skilled at diverting attention from themselves and placing it on others. Some will use emotional drama, such as bouts of crying, pouting, and feigned anger, to make you feel as if you have done something wrong to them. You are effectually and slanderously made out to have offended them in some way. This tactic positions them as victims of perceived bad behavior, leading children to assume guilt without realizing they are being slanderously manipulated. Most kids are trusting of their parents and will assume it was likely their fault.
One of the more common methods employed by the invalidator is to initially appear very nice to you. They make themselves out to be very loving and understanding of everything you do and say until you become trusting of them, or even psychologically dependent upon them—often using flattery as a form of exploitative control (many pedophiles operate this way). Then, suddenly out of nowhere, they unleash scathing criticism or insinuations—right out of left field. This leaves you with feelings of confused uncertainty. You are left in a state of bewilderment as to your standing in this person's mind. The invalidator keeps you in check this way, making sure you are doing (or not doing) everything they want. From that point forward, you will find yourself walking on eggshells making sure that everything you say and do, looks and sounds perfect, because we don’t want another explosion now, do we?
Of course, if you were to question them about their sudden change in behavior, or their acting as if they don’t even know you, they would quickly deflect, throwing the ball back in your court with the same questioning. Once more, this blame-shifting diverts attention away from themselves and places it on you—which is right where they want you. This serves to redirect the focus, forcing you to look at ‘your’ bad behavior. Children will almost always assume they are guilty of something. They will believe the parent to be a more capable judge.
Gaslighting is another tool used by invalidators to undermine their victims' sense of reality. I like this definition of gaslighting by Barbara Ellen in the Guardian, “Gaslighting is about systemically dissolving another person’s sense of self until they’re questioning their every move and instinct. It’s a pernicious process whereupon reality is distorted, inducing a state of psychological near-paralysis in the disoriented, anxious victim.” A common example of this repeatedly asking, “Are you all right?” “Are you all right?” “Are you sure you’re all right?” Most children will believe they must be behaving strangely and need to correct their odd behavior. Similarly, “Cheer up, it can’t be that bad!” when you’ve never felt better in your life. Or repeatedly saying, “Be careful!” throughout the entire day as if you were a clumsy idiot always having accidents, or said softly as if you were a toddler constantly having little boo-boos (infantilizing).
I once read about a narcissistic mother who attended her 12-year-old son’s little league baseball game, and from the stands let out a simpering, ahhhhh when he struck out—as if she was consoling a two-year-old. I can only imagine what it must be like for a young boy living in this woman’s home. There are also many church-going Christian invalidators as well. They continually use the excuse of encroaching sin to justify their accusatory behavior. Children are incessantly made out to be either engaging in sinful behavior or having sinful thoughts. Although the child may be perfectly aware of being falsely accused, they will nevertheless assume the overreaction was due to some great moral importance; or they must have done or said something questionable, and the parent only has their best interests at heart.
Any of these mechanisms (and countless others), regardless of how well cloaked, inevitably take their toll on a child’s sense of belonging, affirmation, and self-definition. They may not think they experienced much abuse at the hands of their parents, at least not enough to matter, but they will nevertheless develop the same feelings of alienation, false guilt, and self-doubt as those coming from more obvious abuse. We will now explore how today’s new passive parenting model can likewise produce these same invalidating results.
Chapter 2Same-Sex Attraction and Today’s Parenting Model
Today’s passive parenting model with its purposed neglect, whether pursued intentionally or resulting from divorce, can be seen as another form of invalidation. Parents unwittingly betray, alienate, and degrade their children by allowing them to essentially raise themselves. As strange as it might sound, this includes intensive parenting. This neglect not only creates significant issues with self-worth but also leads to unmet relational needs of human intimacy, affirmation, and belonging. This has much to do with why same-sex attraction and reported bisexuality are presently on the rise.
In another book in this series, American Bloodlust: The Violent Psychological Conditioning of Today’s Young People, I examined how modern parenting practices, particularly passive parenting, including fatherless homes resulting from divorce (33%), produce low self-worth and same-sex attraction (not to mention mass shooters). The following insights have been adapted from that book.
The Missing Structural Necessity of Today’s Child Development
One of the most unintentionally effected areas by modern thinking is childrearing. To understand the psychological effects of today’s parenting methods, including intensive parenting and fatherlessness, it is crucial to grasp the development of self-esteem or self-definition in the life of a child. This development is at the heart of today's challenges. I don’t believe social liberalism would have the influence it does today, without the morbid psychological manifestations that underpin its moral views.
Before you change the channel, please understand that this necessary structural development and the idea of ‘self-esteem’ itself, is seriously misunderstood today. For instance, Jordan Peterson, a popular self-help psychologist and YouTube personality has proclaimed to the world that self-esteem doesn’t exist. He argues it is merely a descriptive word and not an empirical phenomenon. In other words, it contains no workable means by which self-worth can be developed in the life of a child. He is correct, however, when he cites the futility of the public school system's attempts at boosting self-esteem by employing various approaches. Most of these methods amount to little else than patronization (gaslighting), only exacerbating the issue and making things worse.
It is important to understand that this crucial structural development primarily takes place within the home at a very early age. It has been estimated that eighty-five percent of a person’s adult personality is already formed by age six. In its simplest form, self-esteem is the product of what we see reflected in the eyes of others. When children receive love, affection, warmth, and respect from their parents, siblings and peers, they see themselves as possessing value. If instead, they see disinterest, disappointment, and lack of respect they will not. If for years a child is deprived, neglected, and disrespected they will see themselves as possessing little value, even worthless and unwanted. Despair, depression, and false guilt inevitably ensue. This process begins at the earliest stages of development; infants who were never touched or held have been known to die in their infancy—the same principle.
Dr. James Dobson, in his book Hide or Seek? How to Build Self-Esteem in a Child’s Life, references a study by Stanley Coopersmith, which followed 1,738 middle-class boys into young adulthood. After comparing their homes and influences, Coopersmith identified three key characteristics that distinguished boys with high self-esteem from those with low self-esteem: One of the surprising discoveries was the role that discipline, enforced rules, and defined limits played in their development:
“1) The high self-esteem children were clearly more loved and appreciated at home than were the low self-esteem boys. 2) The high self-esteem group came from homes where parents had been significantly more strict in their approach to discipline. By contrast, the parents of the low self-esteem group had created insecurity and dependence by their permissiveness. Their children were more likely to feel that the reason the rules were not enforced was because no one cared enough to get involved. Furthermore, the most successful and independent young men during the latter period of the study were found to have come from homes that demanded the strictest accountability and responsibility. And as could have been predicted, the family ties remained the strongest, not only in the wishy-washy homes, but in the homes where discipline and self-control had been a way of life. 3) The homes of the high self-esteem group were also characterized by democracy and openness. Once the boundaries for behavior were established, there was freedom for individual personalities to grow and develop. The boys could express themselves without fear of ridicule, and the overall atmosphere was marked by acceptance and emotional safety.”
In his book, The Antecedents of Self-Esteem, Coopersmith concludes, “. . . Thus it appears that permissiveness is negatively related to feelings of personal worth or, to state it in reverse, greater strictness is associated with greater self-esteem.” He also notes that the nature and enforcement of the limits and rules must be reasonable, rational, and appropriate to the age of the child. They cannot be arbitrary and inflexible. He also found that parents of those with high self-esteem were more accepting of their children, allowed freedom of individual expression, and were more attentive to their overall development.
Of course, it’s not hard to see how love, acceptance, and freedom of individual expression could produce healthier children, but the real question is why rules and well-defined limits play such a significant role in child development. Why is this so important? The answer becomes clear when you consider that self-esteem is the product of what we see reflected in the eyes of others. A child will see themselves as having value when they see that their parents are attentive to their growth and development. An imposed structure carries love and concern. But when rules are not enforced, and limits are not set, children are left with feelings of insecurity and dependence. Why am I not cared for? Judging from what is reflected in the eyes of others, they see themselves as having little value. This is also related to authority and respect. When open defiance and disrespect toward legitimate authority is overlooked or ignored by parents it carries the same message. Not only does this destroy the authority structure necessary for the development of self-worth but also an ordered society. This is why disrespect and open defiance should always be received with nonacceptance and failure. This includes spankings.
We live in a fallen world and it cannot be denied that much abuse has been perpetrated in the name of corporal punishment. Children should not be punished for simply being children, or so that parents might vent their frustrations. However, spanking, or paddling, is not barbaric or abusive, nor leads to future violence or criminal behavior when done for the right reasons—just the opposite. Parents should understand that spankings become necessary to a child’s overall development when they display open defiance to established rules. Permissive parents who don’t see this necessity don’t understand the importance of this imposed structure and what it communicates. A passive home environment is simply not capable of producing healthy children or even a functioning society. As you can imagine, these enforced rules and defined limits play an important role that extends well beyond the home.
Stanley Coopersmith continues, “In sum, imposition of limits serves to define the expectations of others, the norms of the group, and the point at which deviation from them is likely to evoke positive action; enforcement of limits gives the child a sense that norms are real and significant, contributes to self-definition, and increases the likelihood that the child will believe that a sense of reality is achievable.” Elsewhere he speaks of how “[T]he limits serve to define the social geography by delineating areas of safety and hazards, by indicating means of attaining goals, and by pointing out the landmarks that others use to judge success and failure,” and how this “endows such behavior with a sense of meaning and purpose.”
Young adults who were raised in such an environment begin to develop themselves at an early age. By the time they are ready to leave the nest, they are not only equipped with a healthy inner constitution but are ready to apprehend a meaningful and fulfilling life. Goals appear attainable. They possess self-confidence, ambition, and motivation. They also have the implied understanding that life itself must have objective meaning and purpose because of this imposed structure. In the mind of a child, even if the particulars are never set forth, there must be a grand scheme of things. Otherwise, why would an imposed structure exist at all; and why would conformity to this structure be so important?
This also explains why first-borns are almost always more content and successful in life (however defined) and have a much higher self-esteem than their siblings. Parents are simply more demanding and attentive to their development. Research has shown that parents tend to become more passive after every child thereafter. It’s not by coincidence that nearly all NASA astronauts are first-borns.
When we consider these things, the development of self-esteem, or self-definition, involves much more than just thinking highly of oneself, or self-love. It also encompasses a necessary structural framework that provides not only self-confidence, emotional stability, and a sense of value but also supplies our conscious awareness with meaning and purpose. It likewise informs and affirms our identities as natural products.
An interesting side note about these studies is that the typical reasons most would attribute to low self-worth, such as physical attractiveness, or height, were of no real consequence. In addition, self-esteem was found to be only weakly related to academic performance or social status. Even the weight that most would place upon the relationship between self-worth and material wealth, education, or achievements, although significant, was found to be mostly limited. The strongest relational connection to self-esteem (by far) was to the child’s immediate, effective interpersonal environment.
Necessary Cognitive Development
Think of child development in this way: any meaning or purpose in life that animals and insects are capable of perceiving is derived primarily through their instincts. These instincts provide the imposed structure that defines them. But a human being is much more complex. This is where today’s childrearing goes off the rails. Yes, we have instincts and behaviors that are hardwired, but we are not merely animals, or insects, to be left to our own impulses and devices. We are a completely different kind of creature. Among other things, we have the capacity to contemplate our own existence. This is an advanced intellectual capacity that operates much differently than base instinct. Base instincts exist as inborn inclinations and do not require learning. Although an animal can learn to become a better hunter through experience, the instinct to hunt is inborn and does not require a learning process.
However, the advanced conscious awareness of a human being merits the necessity of an imposed structure that must be applied and apprehended through our cognitive faculties. This formation is brought to bear by parental investment. Without this necessary structure, we become nothing more than needy potted plants and identity mongers. When we contemplate our existence, there is no defining groundwork by which to form ideas about ourselves or even life itself; and our natural inborn instincts (sensus divinitatis, moral law, etc.) won’t carry us much further when suppressed by this absence. When our natural God-given instincts are not consciously reinforced and developed through parental investment, we are effectually stripped of our very humanity.
All told, through the neglect of today’s parenting model, whether through divorce or intentional practice, young people are now convinced that the only meaning life can offer is that which we impose upon it. This reversed order is why so many of today's cultural battles center on identity. Without this vital structure—which also provides a sense of affirmation and belonging in the formation of gender and sexual identity—young people inevitably conclude that personal identity and meaning in life can only be subjectively determined.
The Origin of Today’s Childrearing Practices
As we have seen, today’s childrearing practices are overly passive and far removed from anything that would produce a healthy outcome. According to modern liberal thinking, past ways of child-rearing should be regarded as outdated, barbaric, and potentially abusive: nothing more than oppressive cultural constructs that need to be eradicated from our thinking. As far as origin is concerned, this shift in parenting philosophy parallels the restraints on behavior that were removed during the sexual revolution. Which also produced many divorces and fatherless homes that worsened the problems created by this new parenting philosophy.
As strange as it may sound, the sexual revolution of the 1960s was viewed as a moral good. Anything considered unnecessarily restrictive was seen as an archaic, psychologically damaging cultural taboo that hindered mankind’s natural evolutionary development. Why should we be mired by ancient religious beliefs, or even outmoded humanistic philosophies, especially when they are so restraining of our natural impulses? Instead, the prevailing idea was that things should be allowed to proceed in their own course of natural development without any imposed structural interference.
This philosophy was similarly applied to childrearing. Children should be free to explore and essentially raise themselves according to whatever comes naturally to them. Structural discipline was perceived as oppressive, counterproductive, and psychologically harmful. James Dobson aptly summarizes this approach, “The advocates of this laissez-faire philosophy would recommend that a child be allowed to fail in school if he chooses—or maintain his bedroom like the proverbial pigpen—or let his puppy go hungry. . .. Children thrive best in an atmosphere of genuine love, undergirded by reasonable, consistent discipline. . .. Permissiveness has not been a failure; it has been a disaster!”
As this ideology of “oppression relief” has made its way into every area of life, what is amazing is the level of denial, particularly within the psychological community, as far as what is happening to today’s young people. The following sections will examine these effects in detail.
Self-pity, Escapism, Loneliness and Same-Sex Attraction
As you can imagine, because many of today’s kids are left to raise themselves, they are often left with debilitating self-esteem problems and are ill-equipped to meet the challenges of adult life. They see little possibility for success or happiness and are mostly insecure, anxious, depressed, and needy. They are the kind of kids that sit alone in their rooms or daycare, wondering why their parents are rarely involved in their lives or seem to care about them at all. This melancholic state produces the kind of negligence and indifference that would rather withdraw into self-pity than face life’s challenges. This has much to do with the “perpetual adolescence,” or “failure to launch,” that is presently reported among males between the ages of 25 and 30. With no imposed structure, they remain mostly sad, unmotivated children who never grew up.
To redirect or numb their discouraging thoughts, one of the more common characteristics among these people is that they must always have something turned on: radio, television, news, video games, sports, fiction novels, Facebook, Twitter, etc., (some cannot even sleep without a television remaining on the entire night). This can also include an overt preoccupation with movie stars and celebrities, even developing obsessions. Of course, if they were to ever meet these people and become part of their lives, the brooding resentments of envy would quickly replace the infatuations.
In addition, and as counterintuitive as it may sound, this escapism can include some of the most impressive go-getters of society. Don’t let a workaholic fool you, or even a straight ‘A’ student—the withdrawal, negligence, and self-pity are merely cloaked by their apparent success and productivity. In the formative years of life, anyone can be made to believe they are ultimately worthless—regardless of how intelligent or beautiful or even how successful they may one day become. Many psychologists also believe this to be responsible for today’s loneliness epidemic. Those with unfulfilled needs of parental involvement feel orphaned throughout most of their lives. Even when surrounded by friends and family, feelings of loneliness and the constant need for social and emotional connectedness persist, leaving them simultaneously alienated and anxious.
Once more, these unfulfilled needs and the lack of affirmation and belonging they carry can also create yearnings for same-sex intimacy (especially when accompanied by other types of abuse). Reported bisexuality, especially among young women (25 and younger) is at an all-time high. Sexual and gender identity for either sex can likewise become elusive within this environment. It has also been reported that this ever-growing problem is becoming a significant factor in the continuing birth rate decline.
Social Media and Safe Spaces
Of course, having constant needs for social and emotional connectedness calls to mind today’s social media platforms, especially Facebook. Recent studies have shown that spending time on social media is not as bad as previously reported. It may be true that its creators are “exploiting a vulnerability in human psychology,” as Sean Parker admits, but the occasional dopamine hit through likes and comments isn’t going to destroy anyone’s psyche. In fact, “a social-validation feedback loop” isn’t necessarily a bad thing when you think about it. As we just saw, the development of healthy self-esteem includes such validations from parents and others. It is through an imposed structure do we develop not only a sense of value but also come to understand how goals are achieved and personal happiness is realized. Raised properly, young people who spend a moderate amount of time on social media are developing these capacities in the same way that any other social interaction would provide. However, those who spend an excessive amount of time on these platforms are revealing a serious problem with today’s parenting. Facebook makes a lousy surrogate for neglected, abused, introverted, and lonely kids. Dopamine can also play a strong role in addiction. It encourages repeat behavior and over time has been shown by some scientists to physically change the structure of the brain. This also explains why psychologists are continually finding closer connections between social media and the increase in depression, anxiety, and suicide among teenage girls. That parents are more passive and less demanding of their girls is nothing new. And neither is there a short supply of women throughout society with debilitating self-esteem problems. For many, social media not only becomes addictive but also serves to exacerbate these problems through social isolation and an unrelenting bombardment of social comparisons they cannot possibly compete with (Facebook Theatre). This is to say nothing of the shunning and bullying that now takes place in an ever-growing disrespectful world where it is perfectly acceptable to take your frustrations out on others (the removal of restraints and entitlement).
Whether boys or girls, parents should feel the same sense of failure as if their children grew up to become addicted to drugs or pornography—as many with self-esteem problems presently are (the current opioid epidemic should suffice, the motivation is primarily about self-worth, and the suicide rate among porn stars, and others addicted to this compensating remedy is amazing).
At this point, some might argue that helicopter parenting, or snowplow parenting, might be an effective approach to a better outcome. Why not simply be there all the time? But this is far from the case. If you’re unfamiliar with these labels, helicopter parenting refers to controlling, overprotective parents who make all the decisions for their children, giving them no voice. The more recent version, known as snowplow parenting (also called lawn-mowing, or bulldozing) attempts to remove all obstacles from the child’s, or young adult’s path, that might lead to frustration, failure, or lost opportunities (hence, snowplow). The former, helicopter parenting, amounts to little else than a welfare program that destroys all motivation and human dignity. It is dehumanizing and children are left mostly unable to function outside this protective cocoon. When deciding whom to marry, what career path to choose, or even where to live, they are unequipped to make decisions, or overcome obstacles outside the dependent, or interdependent, relationship the parents have created. Although snowplow parenting doesn’t sound quite as bad, neither of these methods allows for the development of independence or self-definition. As far as self-esteem, these developing young people are given no foundational means by which to measure their successes or failures. They develop little or no sense of an achievable reality. Instead, they are led to believe they are incapable of overcoming life’s challenges or thinking for themselves. It is a constant message of incompetence and rejection.
What is ironic about these parenting models is that they attempt to eliminate all hardship and struggle in life by ensuring success. But this is far from what is produced. Instead, most are left just as incapable, insecure, and depressed as their neglected and abused counterparts. This is why an emerging butterfly should never be helped out of its cocoon. It needs the “imposed struggle” to grow strong, or it will die.
All told, whether through purposed passivity or some form of intensive parenting, the problems the new parenting model(s) have produced are undeniable. We are now witnessing an unprecedented wave of teenage anxiety, depression, and suicide. Many see their past and future as being empty and hopeless. Some even require psychotropic medication to compensate for what neglectful and dehumanizing parents never provided. This brings up yet another problem facing today’s young people.
Hypersensitivity
Those carrying such negative assessments of themselves not only see themselves as worthless and incapable, but as a natural byproduct are also hypersensitive to all criticism. Everything is hurtful and condemning. This hypersensitivity also produces a distorted sense of empathy toward others and is the reason why those raised in such neglectful environments see spankings and imposed discipline as barbaric and psychologically destructive. Of course, this creates a self-perpetuating psychological monster for generations to come. This is also why we now see college campuses equipped with non-judgmental safe spaces, complete with coloring books, Play-Doh, and even animals to cuddle with. Likewise, schools such as Harvard University are now in the practice of giving students A’s or B’s, when they have earned only C’s and D’s; other schools are trying to eliminate grading altogether. Nearly all have stopped using red ink to grade homework and test papers for fear of hurt feelings. We see this shielding necessity throughout the culture as well. Little leaguers, along with other competitors, are now all given some kind of trophy or ribbon regardless of how well they played. These are just a few of the methods that schools and other organizations are now using to create self-esteem. Again, most of this amounts to little else than patronization (or gaslighting) and only makes a bad situation worse. These practices are also reinforced by the latest pop-psychology that tells parents to never spank their children, or impose any kind of strict accountability on them, for the same reasons. This advice unwittingly creates the very problem it now must remedy—and for generations to come.
In the past, young people could rely on their inward stability to protect and uphold them through their failures, or the attacks of hurtful people (including bullies), or viewpoints they disagreed with (or even a pandemic). But this is no longer the case. This quote from Virginia Woolf says it all, “Without self-confidence, we are as babes in the cradle.”
Chapter 3Overcoming Same-Sex Attraction
Despite contrary opinions, diminishing or eliminating same-sex attraction is very possible. Recent approaches have challenged previous assumptions about the immutability of same-sex attraction.
As mentioned in the Introduction, the most recent and effective treatment available today is known as Reintegrative Therapy®. This therapy is highly effective and utilizes established, evidence-based treatment interventions (cognitive behavioral therapy). Unlike conversion therapy, it does not employ aversion techniques that are ineffectual and even harmful (shame, pain, or coercion), nor does it concentrate on changing sexual desire. Instead, it employs the same treatment interventions used throughout the world to treat trauma and addiction. Throughout the therapeutic process, clients are not encouraged to change their sexual desires (this could interfere with the process). Changes in sexuality are a natural byproduct and not the goal. When this therapeutic process (or Reintegrative Protocol) is applied to those with unwanted same-sex attraction the goal is to resolve the underlying traumatic experiences and conditions. Other changes in feelings and behavior, whatever they may be, arise naturally.
The primary treatment approaches in this therapy are:
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).
Mindful Self-Compassion involves a form of exposure therapy or prolonged exposure therapy. This particular variety can be understood as “compassionate” exposure therapy.
Before we examine what it means to have self-compassion, I want to first explain exposure therapy. This is a common intervention strategy used in cognitive behavioral therapy to help individuals confront trauma-related memories, situations, and feelings.
“The goal of this treatment is to promote processing of the trauma memory and to reduce distress and avoidance evoked by the trauma reminders. Additionally, individuals with emotional numbing and depression are encouraged to engage in enjoyable activities, even if these activities do not cause fear or anxiety but have dropped out the person's life due to loss of interest.” —Wikipedia
The idea is that the patient becomes desensitized (habituated) through repeated exposure to the trauma-related memories, circumstances, or associations responsible for their symptoms. This gradual deadening or “get used to it” approach does not require a learning process and happens naturally over time. It should also be noted that longer exposure durations are more effective than shorter ones. (This also explains why some people grow out of these attractions as they get older. Life can be hard. People can be difficult to tolerate. Many are continually reexposed to trauma-related stimuli whether actively pursued or not.)
This process also involves emotional processing. For example, overwhelming or disproportionate emotional responses gradually diminish, allowing for more realistic beliefs to develop. This is a highly effective treatment with a well-established track record. Exposure therapy has proven effective in treating various trauma-related issues, including:
Child abuse
Rape
Assault
Natural disasters
Combat-related trauma
Motor vehicle accidents
It is also effective in treating the associated problems of depression, anger, guilt, shame, negative health perceptions, suicidal ideation, and substance abuse.
Most of these issues can be placed under the label of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Exposure therapy is also used in treating anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorders, and various phobias. Similarly, this type of therapy has also been successful in the treatment of same-sex attraction. Once more, however, you don’t necessarily need to be treated for same-sex attraction (per se) at all. But only to address the underlying traumatic circumstances and relational issues that created it. Same-sex attraction is merely a resulting consequence, symptom, or product, of unmet needs, invalidation, chronic neglect, and other types of physical or psychological/emotional abuse (attachment loss). It is not a thing unto itself.
This can be good to know if you happen to live in a state that has banned conversion therapy. If you choose to enlist the aid of a therapist, you need only seek treatment for the common problems associated with child abuse from any variety of home environments. This can be an even more effective option if you have a basic working knowledge of mindful self-compassion. If you choose to go this route, it should not be difficult to find a therapist. The techniques and strategies used in cognitive behavioral therapy (e.g. exposure therapy, mindfulness, EMDR, etc.,) are well-established and widely practiced. Ideological beliefs are mostly extraneous to these techniques. Steven Pinker once rightly said that cognitive behavioral therapy is psychology’s best-kept secret.
Before we discuss the components of exposure therapy, I want to take a moment to define the often-misunderstood word, trauma. There are three main types of trauma:
Acute trauma: results from a single event or incident, such as rape, a fatal car accident, a natural disaster, etc.
Chronic trauma: involves ongoing trauma that keeps happening over and over again. This can include domestic violence, repeated natural or unnatural disasters, or being repeatedly abused as an adult or a child. This also includes those who suffer a series of traumatic events, such as divorce, job loss, the death of a child, then a cancer diagnosis, etc. Similarly, combat veterans experience not only repeated attacks from the enemy, but also the loss of their peers, and the ongoing stressors of warfare.
Complex trauma: is also ongoing and is usually perpetrated by a caregiver, or sometimes a trusted family friend (or medical caregiver). This carries a sense of betrayal. For example, incest, sexual abuse, rape, chronic neglect or abandonment, repeated physical, emotional, or psychological abuse, etc...
Complex trauma often creates long-term interpersonal consequences and can adversely effect future relationships. Sufferers often have difficulties regulating their emotions and have recurring feelings of shame and guilt. Disassociation is also common. The key words to remember are caregiver, betrayal, and childhood. This is particularly relevant to the development of same-sex attraction.
Exposure Therapy Components
Exposure therapy involves two main therapeutic components:
Imaginal exposure: This involves the repeated revisiting and reexperiencing of traumatic events and recounting them aloud. In a therapy setting, clients are asked to describe past events in the present tense. The client and therapist then discuss and process the emotions that present themselves within the imaginal exposure (abandonment, emotional longing, betrayal, anger, fear, anxiety, shame, false guilt, etc.,).
This session is usually recorded so the client can continue to process the emotions experienced between sessions. Also, breathing techniques, such as diaphragmatic breathing and parasympathetic breathing can be employed, along with progressive muscle relaxation. These techniques work by sending messages to the central nervous system telling the brain there is no danger.
Note: Relaxation techniques used outside of ongoing therapy have been found to worsen anxiety over the long term. The reason is that they become nothing more than ways of avoiding traumatic memories and situations (feel-ignore-repeat). This avoidance can escalate anxiety and make underlying problems even more difficult to deal with.
In vivo exposure: This involves confronting fearful stimuli (situations, places, objects, people, etc.,.), in real life. Like the recorded therapy sessions, this is likewise assigned as homework. It’s also a good idea to create a list, a kind of fear and avoidance hierarchy. In gradual doses, clients are encouraged to confront fearful stimuli. This is an example of the gradual “get used to it” approach. Again, longer durations of exposure are more effective than shorter ones.
When is exposure therapy not recommended?
As a notable caution, there are times when exposure therapy is not recommended. This would include imminent threats of suicide, or homicidal behavior. Other conditions would include serious self-injury or psychosis. It should also be understood that while exposure therapy is not dangerous, and does not increase fear, it will nevertheless cause short-term anxiety while dealing with trauma-related stimuli. Relapses should also be expected as part of the process. Rome wasn’t built in a day. It’s going to take some time. Usually a long time.
Can these therapeutic techniques be accomplished without a therapist?
Depending on who you ask, you will get a variety of different answers to this question. My personal belief is that a motivated person can do this without the aid of a therapist. For those less motivated, a therapist may be necessary.
As we’ve seen, much of exposure therapy is assigned as homework. With the proper knowledge of the strategies and techniques employed, along with a basic working knowledge of mindful self-compassion (explained below), It makes sense that results can be achieved. Especially, if you are a Christian and have the Holy Spirit working in your life. You just have to be willing to stick with it. Most would rather avoid a painful process than stay the course. So a person must want to change their behavior and be willing to bear with the inevitable emotional pain. This is true even after same-sex attractions have considerably waned. These attractions are only one symptom, they are not necessarily the whole of the problem.
Mindful Self-Compassion
We will now look at the treatment approach known as Mindful Self-Compassion. This strategy is incorporated throughout the therapeutic process and is especially helpful for those struggling with self-esteem problems. As the name suggests, it combines both the ideas of mindfulness and compassion. The American Psychological Association defines mindfulness as: “A moment-to-moment awareness of one’s experience without judgment. In this sense, mindfulness is a state and not a trait. While it might be promoted by certain practices or activities, such as meditation, it is not equivalent to or synonymous with them.”
The component of ‘self-compassion’ is best described by Chris Germer, co-founder of the Mindful Self-Compassion Center: “Self-compassion involves the capacity to comfort and soothe ourselves, and to motivate ourselves with encouragement, when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. Self-compassion is learned in part by connecting with our innate compassion for others, and self-compassion also helps to grow and sustain our compassion for others.”
As you can see, mindful self-compassion directs mindfulness in a targeted way. This serves to redirect negative thought patterns that often involve self-criticism, guilt, shame, defensiveness, etc., by directing them toward thoughts of compassion and loving-kindness. This may sound unrealistic, but it is very effective. During the therapeutic process, many will find themselves slipping into negative thought patterns. The idea is to simply take notice when this begins to happen (to include noting any associated bodily reactions). Then make a concerted effort to replace these thoughts with ones of affirming kindness and compassion. Try viewing yourself from the outside looking in, with sympathetic eyes.
Over time, this can also help to process the memories associated with these destructive thought patterns. Negative thoughts of self-criticism, guilt, etcetera, will inevitably be replaced by more realistic and appropriate beliefs. This can go a long way in not only supporting emotional development throughout the therapeutic process but also helping to live a relatively normal life while resolving past trauma.
As far as practicing this on your own, or simply learning more about it, the Reintegrative Therapy Association offers videos on their website of actual sessions being performed. Two videos in particular are especially helpful:
“The Science Behind My Sexuality Change”
“Tim Long: Re-integrative Therapy”
A Reintegrative Therapy Session Overview
Here’s an account of a recorded session provided by the Reintegrative Therapy Association. In this session, the therapist begins by guiding the client to the height of an imagined sexual fantasy and then discusses the emotional content of the experience. Clients typically report feelings of elation, love, desire, and being wanted during the fantasy.
The client is then asked to look into their own eyes during the fantasy (gaze inversion) and describe what they see. Reintegrative therapists have identified three layers of emotional awareness:
Trance State: Sexual arousal from the fantasy.
Underlying Emotional Desire: Feelings of wanting to be loved and desired.
Originating Unmet Need: Feelings of emptiness, sadness, and rejection.
The goal is for the client to then “auto-select certain pertinent memories,” rather than having the therapist interpret what may be going on behind the client’s sexual fantasy. This leads to exploring the environmental conditions and situations responsible for these feelings.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
While focusing on these memories, the therapist then employs EMDR, which involves bilateral stimulation (e.g., side-to-side horizontal eye movements). Initially used for PTSD, EMDR is now used for various disorders, including eating disorders, dissociative disorders, and substance abuse. Reintegrative therapists report that EMDR can trigger “spontaneous changes in clients’ sexual feelings, regardless of the client’s gender or sexual orientation.”
The process involves:
Identifying Negative Beliefs: The client describes feelings, negative words, and beliefs he has about himself associated with the distressing memory (e.g., unwanted, abandoned, betrayed, not feeling good enough, guilt, anger, etc.).
Desired Beliefs: The client then identifies what they would rather believe about themselves. The response: loved, wanted, having something to offer, etc.
Assessing Belief Validity: The client then rates how true those words feel at the moment. Response: Like they’re not true at all.
The client is then asked to revisit the negative words and hold the picture in his mind that represents that memory. He is then asked to describe any physical sensations he is having in his body (weakness, painful discomfort, visceral reactions, etc.). Once the emotions and physical sensations associated with the memory are identified, the client then recounts the memory while focusing on the bilateral (side-to-side) finger movements of the therapist. After each set of movements, the client is asked how they feel. The emotional intensity of the memory will usually start to diminish. Once the intensity has adequately lessened, the negative words and beliefs are then replaced by focusing on the positive ones. This is known as the installation of a positive belief.
As an interesting side note concerning the processes that take place during EMDR, according to the Center for Discovery, “. . . It is believed that EMDR works because the “bilateral stimulation” by-passes the area of the brain that has become stuck due to the trauma and is preventing the left side of the brain from self-soothing the right side of the brain.
During this procedure, clients tend to “process” the memory in a way that leads to a peaceful resolution. This often results in increased insight regarding both previously disturbing events and long-held negative thoughts about the self that have grown out of the original traumatic event.
For example, an assault victim may come to realize that he was not to blame for what happened, he is now safe, that the event is really over, and, as a result, he can regain a general sense of safety in his world.”
I once spoke to a friend who went through this therapy and asked him about his experience. He said the finger motions seemed to create a kind of distraction that pulled him away from the emotional intensity of his memories and allowed him to see things from a more objective, or transcendent perspective (“from the outside looking in”). It enabled him to view his painful memories more realistically and see that his emotional responses (mostly guilt and self-condemnation) were distortions and inappropriate reactions to the circumstances. He continued to employ horizontal eye movements on his own using two stationary objects.
The Reintegrative therapist then moves to the final step of the session. He then invites the client to revisit the original sexual fantasy, or memory identified in stage three (e.g., feelings of emptiness, sadness, etc.) and asks him what his reaction is now. The usual response is that the client is in an entirely different state of mind. The fantasy has lost its power, and the sexual arousal has significantly diminished. It can now be seen objectively as nothing more than an attempt to satisfy an underlying relational need. The client sees that he no longer has to engage in this type of behavior, and can have these needs met in other ways.
At this stage, the therapist will then ask the client to analyze his feelings and behavior. The therapist will also offer previously withheld interpretations to the client of what he is experiencing. This final discussion concludes the session.
Christians and Self-therapy
As far as practicing these techniques on your own, some may still need to seek out a therapist. Christians should always pray for guidance beforehand. We are all different, so it depends on the individual. In any event, when dealing with highly sensitive areas it’s important to take gradual steps. The reason I’m convinced this can be done without the aid of a therapist is that I’ve spoken with those who have done so, most were Christians. If you are a Christian, you are probably aware that the primary work of the Holy Spirit in a believer’s life is to sanctify, to make holy. This can include resolving and moving past the emotional/psychological problems that result from living in a fallen world. Whatever your situation, the Holy Spirit will guide you down the path of healing. Whether it be same-sex attraction or almost anything else you can name, many Christians report experiencing providential situations that reexpose them to fearful stimuli (akin to exposure therapy), Inevitably, they learned to embrace rather than avoid these experiences (embracing the fire).
Knowing what to expect in advance can also help to curb depression and suicidal thoughts (it’s all going someplace), or somehow thinking you are not living the victorious Christian life as it was intended (the Word/Faith, Prosperity/Health gospels are false gospels). I like this quote from Friedrich Nietzsche, “Man, the bravest of animals, and the one most accustomed to suffering, does not repudiate suffering as such; he desires it, he even seeks it out, provided he is shown a meaning for it, a purpose of suffering. The meaninglessness of suffering, not suffering itself, was the curse that lay over mankind so far.”
In addition, there are also many online testimonies of believers and unbelievers alike who have overcome same-sex attraction without therapy. For the believer, it should be understood that God is not a prisoner to His own decreed weaknesses and infirmities. It may take a while, but the Spirit is more than capable. (If you are an unbeliever, consider this an invitation to reconsider the Christian faith.) It may be a painful process, but it is well worth the liberating outcome. Especially when you consider the hopeless insanity of the alternative. Once more, and contrary to worldly advice, you simply don’t do people favors by enabling destructive behaviors. This is not the most compassionate and loving thing to do—never buy a drunk a drink.
It should also be noted that God doesn’t zap a person with instantaneous healing from emotional/psychological problems. Although that’s not impossible for God, it generally goes against His purposes for allowing the affliction to begin with; namely, spiritual growth through learning and experiencing all that He would have us to learn in this life. It just isn’t true that we are on this planet for self-fulfillment and personal happiness, at least not in worldly categories. All of life is discipleship. All of life is sanctification. Evil exists because it is good that evil exists in the world. It accomplishes God’s purposes. The victorious Christian life often involves much pain and suffering. I like this quote from Herman Melville,
“It is not until we learn that one grief outweighs a thousand joys, that we will ever understand what Christianity is trying to make us.”
As a helpful closing aside, the way God heals and sanctifies without producing a bonafide miracle is by working within the natural built-in operations of the human mind. God created the mind and therefore knows what He’s doing. In as much as therapists do the same, they too can have much success in healing others. The same can likewise be said of self-therapy. You can also enjoy much success in as much as you can do the same.
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About the Author
Roger Ball is a Reformed Christian writer who lives on the Florida Spacecoast. He writes on Christian theology, apologetics, psychology, and culture. Contact: rogerball121@gmail.com
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