FAITH & CULTURE PROJECT: Do You Have a Soul Mate?

Many believe in the old adage that opposites attract. They often point to couples with differing interests or personality traits and conclude that these differences mysteriously draw them together. They further believe that these differences—such as one partner enjoying alligator wrestling while the other prefers fine wine and opera—are what make them happy, bring them together, and sustain their relationship. But how true is this?

What about those who cannot stand each other, yet possess the same opposite interests and traits that many believe lead to relational wholeness? And what about those who share nearly all common interests and are madly in love? Something doesn’t add up. I believe the confusion lies in thinking of male-female complementarity as supplying opposite characteristics.

To be sure, men and women are different in how they have their needs met and how they perceive and respond to various situations. And as far as human design is concerned, these complementary differences likely arouse an initial attraction. But they are not opposites. Rather, they supplement or enhance each other's qualities. We could see how the old adage might be true if they were truly opposites. We might conclude that these differing characteristics are what brings about a deep and abiding relationship. But if this were true, we should be able to fall in love with every man or woman we meet.

, in one of his books, underscores the reason that friends become friends—or lovers—is that they share something in common. This common ground, however, is not necessarily something as superficial as a love for hiking, horse-back riding, or opera music, but something on a much deeper level. That is to say, they seem to share a natural empathic connection, despite vastly different interests. Through this connection, there is a mutual sympathy that goes beyond what they usually feel for others—a kind of fondness. It’s as though, to some degree, they are sharing the same heart and soul. Complementarity then functions within this connection.

Recent studies suggest that this desire for the inner familiar is also why people are naturally curious and drawn to those who are somewhat similar in overall appearance or who are more proportional in social ranking. Some research even shows that we are naturally drawn to those who smell and even taste similar as well.

In an age where people are attracted to others for all the wrong reasons (e.g., , , etc.), many believe this deeper connection to be a good litmus test to determine whether you should continue in your current relationship (excepting marriage, of course) or whether to pursue the one you’re now considering.

It’s not that relationships or marriage don’t require hard work or even self-sacrificial love; there are no perfect people, even , who can meet all our needs. I like this quote from , “Above all things never let your son touch a novel or a romance. How delusive, how destructive are those features of consummate bliss! They teach the youthful mind to sigh after beauty and happiness which never existed; to despise the little good which fortune has mixed in our cup by expecting more than she ever gave; and in general, take the word of a man who has seen the world, and has studied human nature more by experience than by precept, take my word for it, I say that such books teach us very little of the world.” Also, this quote by , “No man, however truly he loved his betrothed and bride as a young man has lived faithful to her as a wife in mind and body without deliberate conscious exercise of the will, without self-denial.”

Nevertheless, do you feel a sense of empathic familiarity? Does it seem that God has brought you together by inner design? Is this someone you could marry and spend the rest of your life with, or is your attraction rooted in an aberrant psychological need? Does your attraction involve trying to fix someone? Does this person remind you of an unavailable or toxic parent from the past? Did you fall in love too quickly? Are you waiting for a change that is never going to happen? Has anger and toxicity become a way of life for you?

If so, and you feel little or no meaningful inner connection, perhaps it’s time to move on and find someone else—someone with whom you share the same depth of soul, an unbreakable extension of yourself. Someone who feels more like home.

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